Well I have honestly say that the last two weeks have been the most awful, hardest two weeks I have ever experienced and never wish to experience ever ever again.....

We found out at our 13 week scan that our baby had anencephaly. I just remember being in the ultrasound room with Colin and Gracie and joking with the lady, as you do, that I have been having such bad morning sickness so everyone said I was having twins. She started up the machine and there was one bub there, she left the room....... Dr M came in, looked at the screen, came around to me, Colin and Gracie (who was saying 'baby baby baby' and very excited) and said those awful awful words 'this isn't good at all, this baby isn't well'. I can remember just before him saying that I noticed that the babies head didn't look right but I thought that a shadow was on it iykwim. Sometimes things can look funny on those scans but as I looked closer I noticed that the baby wasn't moving as much as Gracie had and there was no top of the head. It was utter horror - my world spun, my head and insides felt like they were going to explode. All I heard from the Dr was Sorry sorry sorry and all I heard from Gracie was baby baby baby. I broke down and wanted to get out of that room and that image.....I remember rushing out of the room and heading to the car, I felt so sorry for all the couples who were waiting for their scans seeing me running and crying....

What do you do? Who do you turn to? I hadn't even met with my Ob yet. I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I had the scan done on Saturday and Dr M said that nothing could be done until Monday. How was I going to sleep knowing my baby was in me but 'not viable'?? Passing the room that we had picked out for the bub?? Still throwing up with morning sickness - a cruel reminder. After dramas galore is dealing with my Obs office (just so so so unhelpful and really not worth going into :( ), I ended up having to go to my local GP on Monday morning. I assumed that things would happen quickly but that isn't how the world works. I might be on hyper but the world was still going about its merry way. I just wanted to shout out DON'T YOU ALL KNOW I CAN'T HANDLE THIS???!! but didn't, I remained calm, I remained strong and tried to see the time that I had to spend with this baby as a way of saying goodbye. As I type this my heart breaks again and again... how many times can that feeling stab me. Thinking logically, forever I would say, it will just dull with time. The really hard thing for me to deal with was that my baby had a heartbeat, was very very much wanted and loved, was oblivious in the comfort of me but I would never be able to hold, bath, cuddle, feed this beautiful bub.....

• Ultrasound was on 28/4

• Appt at KEMH with Head of Fetal and assessment ultrasound was on Thursday 3/5 (my beautiful bub was deemed as 'incompatible with life' - if I made it to the end of the preg without miscarrying the baby would be unable to survive without me as its life support). The pink mark is the shoulder, the purple mark is the hand, the blue the neck, you can see the nose and eyes - as I was told 'the baby looks like it is wearing a dark hat just above the eyes, unfortunately this is just disorganised brain tissue that will eventually dissolve throughout the pregnancy - there is no skull to keep it safe'. My decision was clear..
  

• My beautiful baby born still on 9/5

Just so so hard.....

As I was later in the preg (15 weeks) than I had first thought I had to be induced, waited in the waiting room until things started to happen (:( ) and was put under GA at the 'appropriate' time. Appropriate? There is nothing appropriate about this situation.

But you know the very very hardest thing of all was that I didn't get the support I needed from the one person who should have.....after a troubled troubled weekend....after telling my DH to go away until his attitude sorted out....he does go and wants a divorce (NO I didn't want a divorce, I wanted your support, I wanted you to look after Gracie when I physically couldn't, I wanted you to help around the house when I physically couldn't, I wanted you to clear your head and come back, not go forever!!!!!!!!). I am sat here on my computer on my own, dealing with this on my own, having to be strong on my own with no soft place to fall and I can't speak to the person who held my hand at the 'clinic', who was there when we received the devastating news.....

My saving grace is Grace. She is my cuddle, and my hope.